The Varieties of Religious Experience — William James

p. 218ing, reforming, laboring, reading, hearing, and meditating, and what have you done by it towards your salvation ? Are you any nearer to conversion now than when you first began ? Are you any more prepared for heaven, or fitter to appear before the impartial bar of God, than when you first began to seek?

" It brought such conviction on me that I was obliged to say that I did not think I was one step nearer than at first, but as much condemned, as much exposed, and as miserable as before. I cried out within myself, O Lord God, I am lost, and if thou, O Lord, dost not find out some new way, I know nothing of, I shall never be saved, for the ways and methods I have prescribed to myself have all failed me, and I am willing they should fail.

O Lord, have mercy ! O Lord, have mercy ! " These discoveries continued until I went into the house and sat down.

After I sat down, being all in confusion, like a drowning man that was just giving up to sink, and almost in an agony, I turned very suddenly round in my chair, and seeing part of an old Bible lying in one of the chairs, I caught hold of it in great haste ; and opening it without any premeditation, cast my eyes on the 38th Psalm, which was the first time I ever saw the word of God : it took hold of me with such power that it seemed to go through my whole soul, so that it seemed as if God was praying in, with, and for me.

About this time my father called the family to attend prayers ; I attended, but paid no regard to what he said in his prayer, but continued praying in those words of the Psalm. Oh, help me, help me ! cried I, thou Redeemer of souls, and save me, or I am gone forever ; thou canst this night, if thou pleasest, with one drop of thy blood atone for my sins, and appease the wrath of an angry God.

At that instant of time when I gave all up to him to do with me as he pleased, and was willing that God should rule over me at his pleasure, redeeming love broke into my soul with repeated scriptures, with such power that my whole soul seemed to be melted down with love ; the burden of guilt and condemnation was gone, darkness was expelled, my heart humbled and filled with gratitude, and my whole soul, that was a few minutes ago groaning under mountains of death, and crying to an unknown God for help, was now filled with 2p. 219immortal love, soaring on the wings of faith, freed from the chains of death and darkness, and crying out, My Lord and ray God ; thou art my rock and my fortress, my shield and my high tower, my life, my joy, my present and my everlasting portion.

Looking up, I thought I saw that same light [he had on more than one previous occasion seen subjectively a bright blaze of light] , though it appeared different ; and as soon as I saw it, the design was opened to me, according to his promise, and I was obliged to cry out : Enough, enough, O blessed God !

The work of conversion, the change, and the manifestations of it are no more disputable than that light which I see, or anything that ever I saw. " In the midst of all my joys, in less than half an hour after my soul was set at liberty, the Lord discovered to me my labor in the ministry and call to preach the gospel. I cried out, Amen, Lord, I '11 go ; send me, send me.

I spent the greatest part of the night in ecstasies of joy, praising and adoring the Ancient of Days for his free and unbounded grace.

After I had been so long in this transport and heavenly frame that my nature seemed to require sleep, I thought to close my eyes for a few moments ; then the devil stepped in, and told me that if I went to sleep, I should lose it all, and when I should awake in the morning I would find it to be nothing but a fancy and delusion. I immediately cried out, O Lord God, if I am deceived, undeceive me.

" I then closed my eyes for a few minutes, and seemed to be refreshed with sleep ; and when I awoke, the first inquiry was, Where is my God? And in an instant of time, my soul seemed awake in and with God, and surrounded by the arms of everlasting love. About sunrise I arose with joy to relate to my parents what God had done for my soul, and declared to them the miracle of God's unbounded grace.

I took a Bible to show them the words that were impressed by God on my soul the evening before ; but when I came to open the Bible, it appeared all new to me. " I so longed to be useful in the cause of Christ, in preaching the gospel, that it seemed as if I could not rest any longer, but go I must and tell the wonders of redeeming love. I lost 3p. 220all taste for carnal pleasures, and carnal company, and was enabled to forsake them." ^ Young Mr. Alline, after the briefest of delays, and with no book-learning but his Bible, and no teaching save that of his own experience, became a Christian minister, and thenceforward his life was fit to rank, for its austerity and single-mindedness, with that of the most devoted saints.

But bappy as he became in his strenuous way, he never got his taste for even the most innocent carnal pleasures back. We must class him, like Bunyan and Tolstoy, amongst those upon whose soul the iron of melancholy left a permanent imprint. His redemption was into another universe than this mere natural world, and life remained for him a sad and patient trial.

Years later we can find him making such an entry as this in his diary : " On Wednesday the 12th I preached at a wedding, and had the happiness thereby to be the means of excluding carnal mirth. The next case I will give is that of a correspondent of Professor Leuba, printed in the latter's article, already cited, in vol. vi. of the American Journal of Psychology.

This subject was an Oxford graduate, the son of a clergyman, and the story resembles in many points the classic case of Colonel Gardiner, which everybody may be supposed to know.

Here it is, somewhat abridged : — " Between the period of leaving Oxford and my conversion I never darkened the door of my father's church, although I lived with him for eight years, making what money I wanted by journalism, and spending it in high carousal with any one who would sit with me and drink it away.

So I lived, sometimes drunk for a week together, and then a terrible repentance, and would not touch a drop for a whole month. ^ Life and Journals, Boston, 1806, pp. 31-40, abridged.